We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
