last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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