I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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