Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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