The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
