so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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