Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
