I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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