Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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