By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
