If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
