I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
