mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
