I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
