I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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