Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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