im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize