This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
