what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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