you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
