Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize