Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
