new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
