She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
