The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
