wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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