Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
