If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
