he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
