He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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