I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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