Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Enjoy the penises
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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