I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize