You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
