i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
