i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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