I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
how drunk are you?
Several
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
