I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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