I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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