No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
