Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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