Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
