Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
