Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
