Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
