don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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