I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
