If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
