Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
