Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
