Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Jerry, you need to find god
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
