you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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