by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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