im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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