I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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