On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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