He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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