Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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