You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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