Your dad touched me again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
