Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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