True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
