The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
