The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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