Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
