R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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