yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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