Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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